I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize