I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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