i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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