I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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