I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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