You're my little dorito
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
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