I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
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I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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