Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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