Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
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What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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