I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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