what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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