woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize