I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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