Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize