I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
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Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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