My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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