It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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