as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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