Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's get the cat blown out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
