It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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