My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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