just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
