i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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