can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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