I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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