its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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