I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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