This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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