We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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