I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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