he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
