hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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