My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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