you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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