I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
