so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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