I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
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he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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