I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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