Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize