shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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