wrigley field is MILF paradise
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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