I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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