Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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