the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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