so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize