her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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