Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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