Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize