apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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