I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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